Dear Dad,

I wish that you were a part of my life. I remember when you were. I know that there were times that were good. I know that things were confusing and unstable. I wasn't sure if you were happy with me. I seem to vividly remember fear, anxiety and loneliness. I do remember one of the good times. I remember the time that I climbed a tall tree. It was taller than the house, twice as tall. I was afraid to come down. You coaxed me for a bit and then you climbed the tree. You came all the way up, grasping onto frail branches, all the way to me. You begged me to climb onto your back. I was afraid, but I climbed on, and you slowly carried me down to the ground. You didn't yell. You were calm. I love you for that moment.

Now that I am grown, I understand why things were the way that they were. I see that you were struggling. I now understand the pain that you suffered. I love you for letting us go. I know that it must've killed you when we moved away. It killed us too. I saw the pain in my brothers' eyes. I used to look in the mirror and see that I resembled you. I would cry until my reflection blurred. I didn't understand the way that I felt.

Seeing you as a grandfather to my boys changed my judgement of you. I suddenly saw you as innocent and sad. I saw that you were hurting more than I was hurting. I could not be angry any longer. As Dom grows, I understand more of your mental anguish. I would give anything to take away all of the suffering in you, and in my brothers, but I can't. All that I can do is show understanding, love and compassion.

I love you with all of my being.